My husband has separated from me multiple times and continues to lie to me. He’ll tell me he wants to be a family, and then he’ll switch and tell me I’ll be happier if he was no longer in my life. He says things like, “I know you’ll be happier if I was no longer in your life because I’ve caused you too much pain, so I’m going to leave you so you can be happier with someone else.”
Instead of fixing what has been broken, he says this to me as an excuse to walk away. He tells me that if he’s not around, the pain will stop. I believe he’s looking for an excuse to make leaving easier for him.
My question is how do I make sure I don’t keep going back to him? What do I do to ensure a lasting separation and a successful divorce? How do I do this and not hurt my kids in the process?
Your husband has left you in a terrible dilemma. He’s telling you what’s best for you while doing what he believes is best for him. Until he’s honest and takes complete ownership for what he really wants, you’re only left to guess what’s the best direction for your future.
Even though you have the right to direct your life, your children are at the mercy of this agonizing dilemma, which makes the decision even more difficult. Your question is less about divorce and more about feeling secure in a direction you can feel good about.
The only way couples can feel secure in the direction they’re going is when each person shares honestly what they need. Then, in the honesty of their feelings and willingness to honor their partner’s perspective, they work together to decide what will be best. Since your husband’s words aren’t consistent with his behaviors and he continues to conceal what he truly wants, you’re left to decide without all of the necessary information.
Your husband doesn’t get to tell you what’s best for you, so it’s important for you to be clear about what you want. Until he honestly owns what he needs, you have to decide based on the available observations of his behaviors along with what you believe is best for you and your children.
When he speaks for you and tells you what will be best for you, it’s critical for you to let him know that he needs to speak for himself and not for you. He can only take ownership for what he needs from the relationship.
If you know that separation is the most sensible thing under the current conditions, then stick with that decision and move forward. Unfortunately, you have to make decisions with limited information, so please don’t let his inability to tell the truth keep you from directing your life. If he doesn’t like the direction you’re choosing, then he is always welcome to share his needs.
Even though separation and divorce are disruptive and often traumatic for children, they will fare better when their mother has a clear direction and can provide them with the security and confidence that she knows what is best for the family.
It may not look anything like the ideal of staying together, but if you are confident this is the best direction under these difficult circumstances, your children will have the reassurance that they’ll be protected.
You may be blamed for your choice to move forward with separation and divorce, but your husband’s conjecture about what’s best for you does nothing to help with deciding what’s best for the family. Until he’s ready to join you as a full contributing partner who shows up with in full honesty of heart, then you have to gather all of the available information, get clear on what you need, consider the needs of your children, turn to God and decide.
No spouse should have to make such consequential decisions alone, but your children are counting on you to pull them out of this limbo state so they can have the security of knowing what to expect.
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are his own and may not be representative of St. George News.
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